I don’t like limiting my words for you, mom. As a mother, I now understand we were your everything. I miss everything about you. More than anything, though, I wish you could have been my children’s grandma.

(also…Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas, from me, S & V!)

We had a Mother’s Day tea at Miss V’s kindergarten this morning. It was very sweet and I absolutely adore her teacher so much that I worry that 1st grade will never match up to the wonder of her kindergarten experience.

I was teary throughout. It’s all evidence of the conflicted feelings I’ve been having coming up on Mother’s Day. Since having children, Mother’s Day has always been bittersweet, since I inevitably miss my own mom while at the same time get an entire day to bask in the glory of the best thing I have ever done, becoming a mother. However, this will be an unusual year. My first as a single mom. I will give T credit that he always did a fabulous job of spoiling me along with the kids– letting me sleep in while they prepared breakfast, waking me up with coffee and handmade presents and generally letting me get my way all day. So, I have wondered what this year will feel like. I know the kids will do their very best and have been plotting together about me sleeping in and making me breakfast, which is really a little frightening.

At first thought this year, I felt selfish. I thought, damn if I ever deserved a spa package for Mother’s Day, it’s after this, the hardest year of mothering I have known. But, right, who’s going to arrange that for me? And I thought of T’s mother, with whom I am very close, and at first I felt very resentful that, as with pretty much everything, I have always taken care of doing something special for her on Mother’s Day. T left that up to me. Of course he did. And to be blunt, it pissed me off knowing that it would still be up to me, even though she’s his mother and I don’t even have my own. But then I realized, it’s been the hardest year she has ever known as a mother, too. She is deeply disappointed in her son and how things have turned out. There’s plenty to this story that I won’t share here, but trust me when I say that this year has been devastating for her. And you know, I love her. So I will be happy to share “my” day with her.

And given that Ms Scout is out of town, jet-setting about Italy, I’ve invited her kids to spend the day with us. I thought they might miss her extra on Mother’s Day, and I feel almost like a second mom (our kids are much like siblings!) so I want to include them as well.

It’s all about re-inventing tradition. It’s all about re-inventing this life and what we expect from it.

I’ve received a few concerned emails the last couple days, along with a call from my sister wondering if I’d gone off the grid, and so I realized I should probably do a little update.

I’m fine. I have been very busy– partly in an awful-too-much-work, not-nearly-enough-sleep way and partly in a fun, socially-active way. The downside is my house is a mess, the up side is I am feeling very much lighthearted and a little goofy and ridiculous, but in a way that’s amusing and healthy and all of that good stuff.

I have lots I’d like to say, but as I frequently say these days, there are many things going on which are very much on the precipice and I’d hate to jinx any of it. My random sense of superstition forces me to keep quiet-ish about the possible goodness on the horizon.

I intend to get back to knitting talk soon, since I have ordered some yarn for the top I’ve been eyeing for what seems like months now. I’m also going to pick up the x365 project again, and just do two a day for quite a while until I seem to be caught up. I am so very behind on all my blog subscriptions, but I should get some mellow time this weekend to catch up.

This time last year, I was about to embark on a trip to Maui. I had no idea my life was about to implode or how much I would change and grow and get to being happier within the following year. I was blindsided and then, piece by piece, I have been figuring myself out all over again. This is a good thing, despite an awkward and twisty path that has been full of some very complicated (and yet some very good!) surprises. I want to say thank you to a couple people who stumbled into my life during this time and changed me, one way or another, or brought something into my life I would never have begun to fathom a year ago. You probably know who you are.

Anyway…hope all is well, dearest readers, the few of you who have stuck around through this last very tumultuous and inconsistent year!

A lot of little things added up to make this last week a good one, despite the semi-normalcy of utter exhaustion I’ve had the last several  months. I don’t know if it’s the single mom gig or crappy nutrition or what, but it seems like I’m almost always tired.

Anyway. I got to catch up a little with a couple old friends this last week, and that was nice. Scout & I hung out for the better part of a day and we got pedicures which always makes me happy. I decided to try to ride out the horrible housing market and see if I can swing staying in the house a while longer. We’ll see how that plays out but it feels like a good decision for now. I feel this nice sense of calm.

Today, I switched from being a cable internet & TV person to a DSL & DirectTV person. That’s making me happy, too, mostly because on DirectTV I have like 30 XM music channels so I can just have music on in the background pretty much all the time without actively manipulating it and listening to these indie channels lends itself to new discoveries, which pleases me to no end. Oh and we went and got Miss V a new bike with hand brakes today and she’s flying around the neighborhood like a pro. I also got us each a hula hoop and I have been hula-hooping this afternoon. Now if rocking a hula hoop doesn’t put you in a good mood, I don’t know what will.

Also! I just discovered that the Young@Heart documentary is coming to ABQ may 9th! I am really excited about this… I just find the whole project really inspirational. Knitters, you’ll like the cover art of the documentary release:

Once again, I am behind on x365. I  think about it a lot, I just don’t get around to consistently writing. Tomorrow…

45×365…Bill

You were my first “official” boyfriend since you asked me to “go” with you via penciled note delivered by a friend. Will you go with me? Check yes, check no. Totally smooth moves from the 7th-grade super-stud.

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Is it sad that I can’t wait to see a children’s movie? I saw the preview for this way back when I saw Juno with Scout and knew immediately I’d need to see it. Here’s the trailer: wall-e  Doesn’t it look so great? Funny and charming and fabulous.

Also, please take a look at the weather forecast. I’m just sayin’. Is it that nice where YOU live? If you live in Southern California, I don’t want to hear it, I know it’s lovely and palmtastic and full of ocean-y goodness, but otherwise… you know you wish you were here instead of there, wherever that is.

42×365…Jason Noche

I’m not sure if I remember you or just pictures of us. Regardless, we were awfully cute exchanging 4-year-old cheeky smooches.  You & lemon trees are two of very few vague impressions I have of life in California.

43×365…Sonja

I thought you were the most fabulous of the moms, with your Norwegian accent, your job at Nordstrom, your Virginia Slims and your real-life sailor boyfriend. I think I know better now; it was far from glamorous.

44×365…Robert

You went from ruffled-hair goofy six-year-old cutie to internationally traveling bright witty collegiate cool kid way too fast for my liking. I’m ridiculously proud of you and moreover I just really adore you as a human being.

I saw this over at mecozy. Seriously, I dare you to try not to cry.

I will try to fix you…
The story is here. And here is the young@heart chorus site. They also do Sonic Youth and The Ramones among many others. This is quite possibly the best thing ever.

Maybe it’s too soon to be writing about you. Maybe not. I loved that you called me lover. Flowers never smelled so amazing and ice cream never tasted so perfectly delicious as when I was with you.

It was so gorgeous today. Sunny, mid-70s, a breeze which later turned into a sort of nasty wind but was lovely while I was sitting in the park reading a book. Actually, I was more lying on a blanket than sitting so that made it all the more fabulous to steal an hour of total peace and quiet and simply read and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my shoulders.

However, being the pale sort that I am, that hour of lovely warmth left me with a decent sunburn, and a very charming one at that. Oh yes, my shoulders, a nice semi-circle at the top of my back, and a funky little strip along my lower back between where my jeans sit and where my shirt was apparently riding up. Oh yeah, and I rolled my jeans up a generous notch and so there’s a little rectangle on the back of each leg, too. Cute.

Regardless, it was such a moment of simple pleasure that it pretty much made my whole day.

I’ve got a couple things going on in addition that make me feel happy and hopeful and generally cheery. I’m so glad to live where the sun is shining. Tomorrow should be an interesting day… I’m not working and I’m meeting a friend’s aunt who is studying Ayurvedic medicine, which coincidentally I researched in college for some of my medical anthropology work. She’s doing an Ayurvedic assessment of my general health. I’m told she also does readings of some sort, so maybe I’ll get a glimpse into my future while I’m at it. Now that would be cool.

Tomorrow, I’ll catch up on x365. I’ve felt very non-reflective this week and more forward-thinking, but I still want to participate in the project, so I’ll get back on board then.

It’s so beautiful and warm and sunny and everyone is outdoors and it feels like beach weather. Remind me again why I moved to a landlocked state? Ah yes…no sand nearby, but the sky is blue at least 300 days of the year and that is definitely something.

At least three people have emailed me telling me to ditch The Mermaid Chair. Too late– in a fit of insomnia, I finished it last night, but you were very much right. It was…mediocre. At best. I had really no vested interest in the characters and today I’ve all but forgotten them. There was however a piece in the last few pages that popped out at me and made me have to get out of bed and scribble down some thoughts, which I’ll keep to myself. It was very fitting of some recent events in my life and kind of helped make sense of some conflicted feelings for me, so I guess I’m glad I finished it, though I can’t say I would recommend it. I won’t even quote the passage. It’s simply too revealing for me right now. Aren’t you glad I mentioned it? Ha. Now I’m thinking of reading Love is a Mix-Tape– has anyone read it?

I’m taking a break from x365 for a couple more days… I just don’t feel like it and I’m not down with forcing myself to write. I’ll catch up in a day or two.