I’ve decided to stop blogging for a while. There are a multitude of reasons, but the main one is that those things I need to figure out need to be figured out by me alone. I come here and I write and I try to use my blog as a way to voice some of what my life looks like, but I’m never satisfied with how it comes across. It seems too trite or too revealing or not nearly revealing enough. I am really a very private person, and that was just fine when I was casually blogging along about knitting or discovering life in a new part of the country, or my kids and how amazing they are, but it’s morphed. It’s become about separation and divorce and re-shaping and re-defining, but I have found that I’m unable to write about in a way that’s satisfying. So, I’m going to stop. I’m going to write on paper, instead.

I’m not deleting or permanently abandoning this space. Certainly, if I ever actually knit something again, I’ll come post. If anything really big happens, I’m sure I’ll feel compelled to chronicle it here. If a take a picture I really love, I’ll put it up. But all the fragments of my current life are swirling and not well-formed and I can’t find way to write about that disjointed reality that feels like it does it any justice. I don’t want to misconstrue my experiences and I feel that’s what’s happening, by some default beyond my control.

Thank you all so much for being along on this ride.

Until soon.

I just sent my kids off on a week-long trip with T. And his girlfriend, and her kids, and her mother. Yeah. It wasn’t easy, but I kept it together until I walked back in the house.

And now, I am the opposite of together. I have so much going on, so many things to reflect on and my head is messy lately, and I’ve been overly introspective trying to figure out the choices I’ve made this last year and how they are all sort of kicking my ass now. Putting my kids in a car to go away for a week didn’t help. Because, you know what? When the rest of my life is confusing and crazy, they are my day-to-day salvation. They keep me focused and laughing and loving. When they are gone, it’s too easy to delve into my own psyche, which can be a perilous trip these last few weeks.

So, for the moment, I’m listening to The National and wallowing. After a little bit of that, I intend to try to enjoy this time.

p.s. please listen to “Slow Show“, too.

Mmhmm, that’s me at the moment. Since I gave notice, dealing with the general public is excruciating. Luckily I don’t work today, so I can spare the masses my contempt. I’m really unhappy with a few “real” people, too, and I am thinking about ancient history and getting quite angry about things I should be long-since over and typically don’t give a second thought. But really, why are people often so utterly disappointing? I generally give people the benefit of the doubt, despite my certainty that most people are stupid, and assume most people are doing their best given their life experiences and overall strength of character, but ooohhhh when I get into a misanthropic mood, watch out. I just don’t understand the myriad ways in which people fail others.

I guess at the end of it all, as long as my children grow up and continue to love and respect me, and feel that I’m a mentor and a good example, I’ll be satisfied. So many people speak horribly of their parents and how they screwed up, and it always gives me the chills. If there’s anything I hope I do well, it’s love these children.

Here’s a lil picture of Miss V, which I took with my phone last week, after her unpleasant (think “please don’t be scarred for life”) medical stuff. Even though it’s a phone pic, I love it, because she looks young and vulnerable and when I look at it, I feel like I still have some chance of shaping her future.

That’s her new friend, Babo’s Bird. We also had ice cream. You do what you can to make up for the skinned knees and broken innocence, you know?

you: You are an enormous disappointment and an utter failure as a human being; how dare you get pissy with ME?

and you: Thanks for messing up my head. You served a wonderful purpose but then you completely jacked me psychologically. Just what I needed, thanks.

and you: I am not a bitch just because I wasn’t ready for a big relationship, so I sure as hell hope you aren’t out calling me names right now, though I sort of expect that you are.

and you, damn it: I don’t play games and I expect people in my life to be honest. So I hope you are who you seem to be.

and, by the way, you: You know I have always operated with a very strict personal work ethic. Don’t suddenly question me.

and you two: I’m sorry I was so cranky and lacking in patience today, but for the love of all that’s holy, when I tell you that Spongebob’s voice is going to have me packing my bags and running away from home, I am seriously (almost) not kidding. Turn off the damn TV and don’t question me, and everyone will stay exactly where they belong.

(and on that note)

I guess it’s time to attend to the sadly neglected blog, at least to tie up some vague references I’ve made lately.

The first bit of information is that I’ve been offered a new job. I’m excited about it, because it definitely affords me the possibility of making significantly more money than I currently do, but I’m nervous, too. It’s a new arena for me, and I have to be successful to really make money. I think I will be, though, and if all goes well, I should make at least what both my ex and I used to make combined within a year or two. It’s not my dream career or anything, but if money doesn’t buy happiness, it does at least buy peace of mind. I start the new job after the 4th of July holiday weekend and I’ll be taking a week of vacation right before, so I’m looking forward to a little relaxation time. I’ll also have a more routine and normal schedule, including no weekends or holidays.
As for Miss V’s health, her first exams came back fine. She does need to see a specialist, still, but it looks like her issues are manageable and not too serious. Thanks again to those of you who wrote and wished her well.

On another note, it’s been about a year since T & I split up. And guess what? Despite the stress and all the adjustments and financial worry, I’m a happier person. I have had some fabulous experiences this last year that I would never have otherwise had and I am, as I’ve mentioned before, more me. I know what I want, what I expect from others, and more than anything I have a sense of direction and drive that I hadn’t had for a solid five years or so before. So, it’s been a wild year, but I’m better for it.

I can’t be replaced
So when you’re finished with this dream
Delete begin to rewrite me

(ahem)

Miss V has all her tests tomorrow morning.

I have a very important meeting tomorrow afternoon.

I have had an eventful week or so. I promised Scout I would divulge some details, some hilarious details, but not tonight, due to the fact that…

I only slept 3(ish) hours last night.

Also, it’s very hot here now.

That is all. Goodnight.

It’s sometimes so confusing to me how someone can be in your life, and so intensely, and then not be. Things end, this I know full well. But isn’t it surreal sometimes how someone can be so very much a part of your every waking thought, and then they aren’t? I mean, they are still there, lingering and lurking and they never completely go away, but for all intents and purposes, it’s as if they no longer exist? How does that happen, especially when you’ve loved someone? And why is it that you can be totally fine, and then you hear a song or catch a glimpse of someone who kind of reminds you, and you suddenly miss that person in the most horrible, physical way? And do you ever grow simply too old for that kind of silliness and lack of logic? Do you ever stop longing for things that never made any sense anyway, even intermittently?
Ok, I’ll shut up now.

51×365…Dustin

I didn’t really know you, but when I met you I was fully aware of your energy, how alive you seemed. The cruelty of your illness was all the more ironic, given your youth and your fire.

I’ve got a little bit of this & that today. A little newsflash preview, a little reassurance, a little music…

First, a Little Bit. I’m a little bit in love with this song. (Or maybe a lot.)

Reassurance: I apologize for being vague about Miss V’s well-being. It’s hard for me sometimes to know how much to say about things. I told someone recently that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but don’t ask me to talk about it. So, yeah, I have this need to talk about my fears, my loves, my dramas (hence le blog)  but in a kind of guarded way. And in this case, I haven’t said a ton out of deference to my little girl’s privacy. So here is what I can tell you. She is almost certainly okay. She will have some testing in the beginning of June and while it’s most likely that she has something slightly unusual, it’s very, very unlikely that she has something truly ominous. But you know, I’m her mama, I love her fiercely and any indication of the chance of a truly bad thing strikes fear into a (prone-to-worry) mama’s heart. I promise to update as soon as I know more. Thank you for the comments and emails, they are very much appreciated.

Newsflash: I will very likely have an announcement of sorts of my own mid-next week. Oooooohhh, more vagueness. Anyway, this one will be forthcoming very soon.

I’m a little bit tired tonight due to a little too much fun lately. And now I’m done playing with this particular theme. Go listen to Lykke Li.

Miss V has a little ailment that is going to require further testing. Lots of possible outcomes, most of which are relatively non-threatening but one of which is racking this mama’s nerves a bit, so if you’ve got some good health vibes to spare, please channel them toward my little girl.

Also, today was the last day of school. I’m now the mother of first and fourth-graders. What?! Miss V was so emotional, she totally cried her sweet eyes out over how much she will miss her teacher, who I have to admit was freaking fantastic. I could not have hoped for a better introduction to the school years than my little miss got. I’m profoundly grateful that her first year, especially given how tumultuous this last year’s been, was a happy, nurturing, fascinating time for her. S had a great year, too, and is the proud new owner of man-sized shoes. I kid you not, my nine-year-old now wears a men’s five, which by the way means his feet are officially as big as mine. Milestones all around! Haha. Big shoes today, hairy armpits tomorrow. Oh god!

I was going to do x365, but my eyes are crossing. Mañana.

May 18th! What? It’s been five days since I blogged which means I am so clearly not caught up on x365. Or really anything. Oh well, I never was one to follow the rules too closely.

49×365…Toni

You have the most infectious laugh I’ve ever known. I miss hanging out and gabbing for hours about everything and nothing at all. You know you want to move here so our kids can grow up together.
50×365… Grandma J

I feel awful now that I didn’t want to hug you when I was little. I was intimidated by your girth and the sad smell of decay about you. I wish I could’ve seen past that then.